So… you have to get your hands on this book!  It’s hilarious and twisted and well, you just need to read it.

Oh.  And it’s a contemporary classic, so whether or not you like it is immaterial because you’ll feel smarter having read it & you’ll sound smarter when you reference it to all those literary hotshots you mingle with all the time…

The main guy, Ignatius, will repulse and delight you.  He’s a fat, 30 + year old, overeducated freeloader, who lives at home with his mother, sapping all her energy and whatever meager welfare checks come in.  He waxes melodramatically philosophic & his malicious plots to ruin people leave the characters he touches in desperate situations, until the end of the story where his spiteful slip-ups allow them to come out better off than they were.

And the author’s story is just as pathetic as his protagonist’s…he wrote the novel, tried to sell it for years, got depressed when nobody showed interest and killed himself.  8 yrs later, his mother pushed the book on a distinguished author who brought it to fame.  And then the author was honored with the Pulitzer Prize, posthumously.

The story takes off after a policeman spots Ignatius waiting for his mother to come out of a dr’s appointment on a Canal Street and labels him a suspicious character.  After the dust settles, Ignatius & his mother get drunk in a sleazy strip joint. Upon leaving, his drunken mother drives the car right into a building.

She cannot afford the cost in damages with her welfare checks, blames her son for having unnerved her to the point of drinking & crashing because he incited the police officer and demands that he get a job to contribute.

As Ignatius plows his way through a series of jobs, he leaves a wake of mayhem.

You’ll enjoy the novel’s setting in the seedy sections of New Orleans, the insane banter between Ignatius and his mother, and you’ll be sympathetic towards every poor soul who comes in contact with the huge, malevolent beast.

This book is all around clever and worthy of making it onto your list of necessary reads in your lifetime.

So, did you know that you could lose a dress size just by moving your mouth?!  My husband would love that one… oh sure, any excuse for you to keep talking!

Super easy.  Chew your food.  32x.  Every mouthful…

Chew until the food is savoured & the piece of food is small enough to be easily & safely swallowed.

The longer you chew, the longer it’ll take you to finish your meal & eating slowly results in eating less, because your brain has time to signal to your tummy that you’re full!  It usually takes the brain 20 min to get the message to your stubborn stomach that you’ve gorged yourself!

And soooooo, eating more slowly, causing you to eat less, leads to you looking like a supermodel in your dress at the party…

Also, the more you chew your food the easier you make it for your intestines to absorb the food’s nutrients.

And it helps with digestion, is good for your teeth and jaw muscles because it gives them a workout.

I heard from both my parents throughout my life, slow down and chew your food or you’ll choke to death.  Which always prompted the eye roll.  But, the scary thing is that choking is for real…

I still shudder when I think of the 28 yr old teacher from Chicago who choked on a hot dog at a ball game and died, right in front of her brother.

OK, ok, who brought along the party pooper?

So, chew every mouthful at least 32x to ensure that you don’t choke, for your mother’s sake, and…

chew for as long as possible because you’ll never find an easier way to lose weight…

You could go running for an hour 5 times a week and do sit-ups or you could sit at the table for an hour slowly enjoying your dinner!

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Ok, so quick tip to save you from frustration every time you cast your eyes upon a recipe that calls for honey, molasses, maple syrup or any other sticky deliciousness.

Grease your measuring cups…

It seems so simple that you’d think it would just be common knowledge, but actually, it took a while for the lightbulb to go off in my brain (I realize I just left myself wide open there, so go easy…).  I thought I’d save you from the irritation of all those years that have been filled with sticky substances left at the bottom of measuring cups and on spatulas, therefore suggesting that the amount that finally made it into whatever I was baking was not accurate!

So…if the recipe calls for a sticky substance of any kind and also oil, measure the quantity of oil FIRST.

Let’s just say that the recipe calls for 1/3 cup oil and 1/2 cup honey.  Pour the oil into the 1/3 cup to get the proper measurement.  And then play ‘musical measuring cups’ and pour the oil in the 1/3 cup into the 1/2 cup.  Swirl it around to get all the sides of the cup nice and greased up.  Pour your oil into a bowl and then measure the honey in the same 1/2 cup that the oil just came out of.

Presto!

Magically, all honey just beads up and plops right into the bowl, with nothing left sticking at the bottom of the measuring cup, forcing you to use your finger to try to get it out, leading you to lick said sticky finger and lose some of the portion that was supposed to be going into the recipe!

And don’t sweat it if your recipe doesn’t call for any oil…you can just use some cooking spray, PAM, and spray the inside of the measuring cup you need to use for your molasses, or actually butter the insides of it.

That’s it!  That simple and saves you from a giant, sticky substance-induced headache that would keep you in bed for the night, leaving your hubby and kids starving at the table and starting a mutiny…

Don’t you think that the White Rabbit sets a tone of panic for the book Alice in Wonderland, right from the beginning, with this phrase?

Certainly not as lackadaisical as the 7 dwarfs in Snow White who happily chant, “Hi Ho Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go!!”  (they were most likely not late!)

On time = late. 

5 minutes early = on time.

Get a load of this story…it’ll definitely make you cringe…

We were running late to my Boss’ son’s wedding.  Then, of course, we got completely lost trying to find the church in this little city.  So we looped around multiple times till we finally found it.  Then, of course, since we were so late there was absolutely no parking anywhere.  So my darling husband gallantly dropped me off at the church entrance, entreating me to go in and find us seats. Unfortunately, it was one of those old New England stone churches with the giant wooden & iron doors that make enough noise to wake the dead. I tried to be discreet while peeking in to assess the seat situation.  Alas, we’d picked the wrong door, of course.  It opened up right into the middle of the church, as the ceremony was underway! The horror! There would be no discretion if we sauntered in through this entrance.  So, I ran to the other door of the church, only to find it locked, of course. To make a long story short, we decided to wait outside the church for the duration of the ceremony, so as not to disrupt it and just greeted the bride and groom when they came out.  Soooooo embarrassing!

So easily avoided.  If only we’d left 30 minutes earlier…imagine the stress we’d have avoided…

Be early.

So, you gotta be there for 3 pm. Plan to leave at 2 and then you’ll actually leave by 2:15 (what with that last-minute check on your hair & makeup, the holdup while trying to find your camera, etc.).  This will give you ample time to be there for 3, should you run into traffic, an emergency potty stop, have to gas up, get a flat tire, etc…

When you leave just on time you have no margin of error.  Therefore, you will be stressed out.  Therefore, you’ll blame it on anyone within throwing distance: your significant other, your kid, the driver in front of you and next thing you know you’ll be inciting road rage and be driven off the road…

Being late = Tense. Driving fast. Rude. Inconsiderate. Unprofessional. Makes others think that you believe you are the most important person in the world. That your time is much more important than them and their time.

Let’s say the movie starts at 7:20 pm. There’s nothing better than being there at 7. Why? Most likely you got a decent parking spot or at least it allowed for the time it took to walk from your car to the theatre if the parking lot was packed. You got to take your time at the concession stand…maybe tonight you were feeling a little daring and those neon orange cheesy nachos were calling to you, but you kept hemming and hawing about whether or not to get them.  Then you ended up getting your popcorn and orange crush, without snipping at the teenager behind the counter for having a hard time figuring out the correct change to give you.  You found a great seat, easily, without having to squeeze yourself past and step on the toes of a row of people who have been there since 7 and are perfectly comfortably situated already.  You got comfy and watched the previews, which is half the fun of going to the movies…

This is the way life should be.  Enjoyed to the fullest at a leisurely pace, when you consciously decide to go through it early.

Take it from someone who has spent their entire life, until recently, feeling rushed, tense, and panicked while trying to get somewhere on time only to get there late and feel rude, unprofessional & missing out!

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that I really liked.  It wasn’t deeply philosophical or witty or angry or promoting any politician or brand.

It simply read… BE KIND.

I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

This can mean so many things:

• Being kind is saying nice things to people.

My 4 year old has made so many people happy. “That’s a pwetty (pretty) shirt!  I like your sweater.  You look pwetty.”
She recently told an elderly lady that we walked past in the grocery store that she looked pretty.  The lady was so bashful as she said thank you that she blushed.  Then My little beach rose proceeds to say, “I love pink. That’s my favorite color. You look nice.” The lady had on a pink polyster skirt suit.  All three of us were glowing after that sweet exchange.

• Being kind is finding a nice way to say it…

My beach rose was at a birthday party and was in the middle of eating a chocolate cupcake when she says to me & the entire party in her toddler whisper, “Mama, this is not really my favorite.”  (Chocolate not her favorite?!  She can’t possibly be related to me?!)

Remember:
as my Mom always said, If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

• It’s giving a sincere compliment.

‘You look wonderful!  Wow!  You always look great, but you’re exceptionally stunning today.’

Be careful of the back-handed compliment… ‘your hair looks great that way; a lot better than when you wear it the way you normally do.’  Ouch!

• Being kind is giving a hand to someone that needs it.

I dropped off my beach rose at Sunday school and a little girl was crying for her Daddy. The little rose, who is normally clinging to my skirts as I try to leave, walked right over to the little girl, without a backwards glance at me, and put her arm around her shoulders, pat her back and kept saying ‘it’s otay, it’s otay’.

Kind: (adjective) wanting and liking to do good things and bring happiness to others; having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others.

Marshall’s, TJ Maxx & HomeGoods ROCK!

Don’t be fooled by “sales” at the mall….

or the “discount pricing” of the outlet stores…

You can find most of the coveted name brands at these 3 for a fraction of the cost; as in, up to 60% less than elsewhere.  And the diversity of choice is fantastic!

So… you need some workout gear;  running shorts, t-shirt, fleece, ankle socks & sneakers.  At the mall or outlet stores you’d have to go to at least 2 different stores to find what you’re looking for and to find it at a decent price.  At Marshall’s & TJ Maxx, they have multiple brand names represented in all types of clothing; active, casual, business, dressy, etc…

And it’s so fun because you can go in there more than once in a week and you’ll see new stuff on the racks!  (They get shipments as often as every day!  Since they put the new inventory out at night or in the morning, get there early to get 1st pick.)

But it’s not just clothing that they offer, which is sooooo exciting.  They have a million accessories; from jewelry to purses, to stationary & photo albums, to iphone cases & perfumes.

And HomeGoods is just dangerous…they have Le Creuset!!!  At more than 50% off the regular price!  And tablecloths, cooking utensils, pillows, artwork, rugs, sheets, dishes, and soooo much more.  (I’m gushing about them so much they should hire me to do marketing!)

You can outfit yourself and your family and your home, with designer items without breaking the bank.  And this terrific trio of stores originates in my backyard…Baaahston.  What more could you ask for?!

Ever have a little kid get hurt on your watch?  Yours or someone else’s, doesn’t matter…you’re just scrambling to make them stop crying…

Have fun band-aids at the ready!

This is literally the most fool-proof way to get a child to stop screaming and maybe turn you into the hero, instead of the zero that was supposed to be babysitting your nephew, but really had a lot of catching up to do with Downton Abbey…

“Well James, it looks like you might need a band-aid.  Would you like to help auntie choose which one to put on?  Do you want the pirate band-aid, the mustache one, or Thomas the Train?”

Let me tell you that regardless of the “gravity” of the injury, that little kid will be intrigued and the crying will slow to a whimper with the deep intakes of breath at regular intervals, then to the loud sniffling, and finally they’ll ask, “Can I see?”

Disclosure:  Said Band-aids will not help above mentioned irresponsible auntie in the case of burns, broken limbs, or large gashes in need of stitches.  Doesn’t matter how expansive or exciting the inventory…

Say what?!

You heard me correctly…

dress before you dress!

Dress your salad before you dress your salad…

This will make your salads stand out every time.  This is what is always missing when you try a salad!

So… very simple mantra…dress before you dress…

and…

add the salad dressing at the last minute…

and…

DON’T overdress…

You just learned the 3 simple tricks to a perfect salad!

“flowers in her hair, flowers everywhere” – I Love the Flower Girl by the Cowsills (1967)

Why bother turning a canister of flour on its head and back upright and scooping it out with a spoon and leveling it?  Baking is a science and calls for exact measurement and flour can be tricky…

It needs to be as light and fluffy as possible.  Not packed down.  Thus the inverting of the tin.  (You just thought I was a bit nutty, didn’t you?!  It’s ok if you did…I’ve been know to be nutty from time to time…)  And studies have shown that scooping the flour straight out of the container, with the measuring cup, packs it down too much, which makes it weigh more than if you use a spoon; you could end up with 150% 0f the correct amount. Lastly, leveling the cup of flour is because if you have too little flour in a recipe, it can be too wet and too much flour can make it too dry.

These tips will make my baking experiences turn out a lot closer to the ideal I have in my head…

If precision, and I mean, exact precision, is what you are after, using a scale to measure your flour is the most accurate.

Here are a few conversions from cups to grams for flour:

• 1 cup all-purpose flour = 125 grams (4 1/2 ounces)
• 1 cup sifted all-purpose flour = 115 grams (4 ounces)
• 1 cup bread flour = 130 grams (4 1/2 ounces)
• 1 cup sifted bread flour = 121 grams (4 1/4 ounces)
• 1 cup cake flour = 115 grams (4 ounces)
• 1 cup sifted cake flour = 100 grams (3 1/2 ounces)
• 1 cup whole wheat flour = 113 grams (4 ounces)

Final recommendations for exact flour measurements…

…if the recipe says  “1 cup sifted flour”, this means that you need to sift the flour BEFORE you measure it

…if the recipe says “1 cup flour, sifted”, this means that you need to sift the flour AFTER you’ve measured it

What in the world is a sty and how in the world do you get one?

Well, it looks like a giant pimple right on top of your upper eyelid or the inside of your upper or lower eyelid.  Only it hurts tons and makes you a bit irritable at the cat and means you can’t wear eye makeup for about a week and probably causes a bad hair day too…

What is it exactly?  Well, it’s an infection of the eyelid oil gland… some bacteria causing a ruckus in there.  And this little party they’re throwing in your eyelid oil gland causes it to rebel and throw up a puffy, red unsightly pimple…

And then random people you run into on the street point at you and say, “There’s a sty in your eye, don’t cry.”

What’s the skinny?  Why am I even talking about this?

Because there are ways to avoid getting these, and as always, I am speaking from painful & humiliating experience when I tell you to:

• Get new mascara and eyeliner at least every 6 months. Or it’ll be a very long day of burning eye pain. Old eye makeup will give you a sty.  Throw away that glitter eyeshadow you got 2 years ago that you swear you just might wear again.

• Restrain yourself from using someone else’s eye makeup…don’t share; don’t do it.  This is one of the few times that I will urge you NOT to share.  They have different eye bacteria than you do and your eye bacteria and their eye bacteria will not get along…trust me…

• Make certain that if you are applying eyeliner to your inner eyelid (which I recommend not doing for various reasons, among which it will cause discomfort), that your eyeliner is not OLD…ohhhh the stinging… and have I mentioned how badly you’ll want to walk around with your eyes closed for a week straight?
• And wash off your eye makeup at night.  Even if it’s just with soap and water.  (I prefer using Noxzema, myself.)  Don’t emulate me…I was the bright one who really wanted to look pretty in the morning for my new hubby and went to bed with makeup on when first married.  Thank goodness I already had the ring and the commitment from him when my eyelid decided to get revenge by producing an attractive pus-filled boil!

So, the only remedy for a sty, if you do not heed my words of wisdom & end up with one is to avoid eye makeup for about a week and use a warm washcloth & hot water on it, frequently.

Whatever you do, just…don’t rub that eye, oh my!